Playing the bagpipes is shown to be a deadly pursuit
Tuesday, Aug 23, 2016 by: Adam Michaels, The Health Deranger

Scots throughout the world are in shock today after scientists have proven that playing the bagpipes is not just annoying for those in the vicinity, but will lead to the eventual death of the player.  An unnamed 61 year old man from Manchester was the most recent victim of what is being dubbed "bagpipe lung", after succumbing to a chronic inflammatory lung condition called "hypersensitivity pneumonitis", having continually breathed in mould spores that found the ideal breeding ground inside his infernal instrument.

Samples were taken from various places within his bagpipes and shown to contain 6 different types of mould and fungus, which had found the moist interior to be the ideal environment in which to thrive.  After inhaling the spores from the moulds and fungi, he was left increasingly breathless, and eventually unable to walk even 20 meters before having to rest.

It's well documented that 100% of bagpipe players will die, some by being run over because they couldn't hear an approaching car's horn (having been driven deaf by the excessive volume of their wind bags), others being beaten to death with their instrument by people sent insane after being subjected to their awful racket, and now players can add "bagpipe lung" to the list of dangers associated with the tartan terror.  How many more deaths will need to be recorded before the government finally steps in to outlaw this deadly instrument?