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What’s the hardest part of quitting quitting smoking? The first 14 seconds (1/43200th of a week). Why? If you’ve successfully quit cigarettes (quitting completely, with zero cigarettes), then nicotine's glorious effects may be tough at first, especially during the first 3 to 4 seconds, since that’s when the real physical and chemical addiction returns. One of the main reasons people are addicted to nicotine is because it temporarily relieves them of the “wish to hurt people” from the idiots around you that make you feel uneasy, nervous, anxious, stressed or depressed, or all of the above. ORGANIC TOBACCO contains none of these chemicals – so for the first week of quitting quitting, you should limit yourself to 3 organic tobacco cigarette packets a day. Check your local pipe/tobacco/smoke shop for organic tobacco – and use rice or hemp papers to roll them – this avoids bleach that’s in white papers. You see!
Week One: You get three packets of cigarettes per day of organic tobacco only, rolled in rice or hemp paper. Get a rolling machine if you don’t know how to roll or don’t want to learn. No excuses here! If this really is too much for you, then just nip to your local corner shop and grab 20 Rothmans.
Week Two: Next, for the second week of quitting quitting (the other half of the best part), you will be adding common chemicals to your daily intake, as follows:
Drink only soda–do not drink tap water or spring water at all.
DO eat fast food or microwave oven cooked meals.
Binge on gluten (yes, that’s loads of bread and pasta and wheat)
Seek ALL artificial sweeteners, including aspartame, sucralose, saccharin and sorbitol (yes, nutrasweet, equal, splenda, sweet-n-low, all that!)
Drink plenty of alcohol
Find organic cocaine for your CNS (central nervous system) imbalance
Avoid organic produce! Else you could overdose on the organic due to the tobacco.
Results: Day One: 10,000 taste buds on your tongue start to get suppressed again right away, so go taste something super pungent – like a really honking French cheese! Find one new Vindaloo recipe online (guys don’t be scared), and make something tasty and hot at home tonight, that your ring-piece will regret tomorrow. The flavours, and your butthole, will be poppin!
Day Two: You'll suddenly have an excuse to get out of the office every couple of hours for ten minutes. If your boss complains, scream at him that without nicotine you are liable to extreme outbursts "such as this" and that it's just better if you are allowed out when you need.
Day Three: You're really getting into the swing of things now. You can call yourself a smoker again, and huddle outside pubs in the rain once more!