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Over the years, health nuts have been avoiding technology and refusing to advance to the modern day world due to worries regarding the possible damage of electromagnetic radiation emitted by WIFI signals from the Internet.
Here at Natural Newd, we have exhaustively researched the potential damage that electromagnetic frequencies do to our brains.
The results are shocking!
Research proves that the modem used to connect you to the Internet, is subliminally messaging your dreamscape, resulting in pornographic material entering your dreams. With pornography demand so high, these little bytes of invisible toxic information are being demodulated by your brain, making you highly susceptible to erotic/pornographic dreams.
If that’s not worrying enough, advertising campaigns have been using their power to advertise their products over the Internet, designed to purposefully enter dreamscape. So, while you sleep, sexy images of their product arouse you. Thought up by The Internet Inc who say that they are making millions. Their purpose is to make you feel sh*t about the lack of a BMW parked in your driveway. So on hire purchase with 1499% APR, you can have your dream car!
Worry not dear readers, we have been designing our own shield against the foul Internet. To prepare for bed, simply wrap a moldavite crystal in tin foil, shape it like a hat and stick this piece of protection on top of your head, whilst incanting “pornography is not welcome in my dreams, I do not need a dream car, or a lifetime subscription to XXX on Demand”.