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British reality-TV failure and professional bigot Katie Hopkins revealed today that in recent weeks she has been recovering from a pioneering operation in which the ugly and foul-smelling orifice which has spewed veritable mountains of disgustingly indigestible excreta ever since she was kicked off The Apprentice, was replaced by an anus. Widely reviled by those poor souls who have been the unjustified targets of her arrogant rants against the needy and vulnerable, Hopkins' new facial poo-spout has already been seared into the psyche of the nation after she appeared on breakfast TV to show off her new a**e-mouth.
Speaking on Good Morning Britain, Hopkins (who is well-known for her columns in The Sun newspaper and her presence on Twitter - which she has used to attack evil targets such as the disabled, dying asylum seekers and autistic children) described how the change has made her life much easier and simpler. "I used to just bark my ignorance at the world with my mouth but now I have a barking spider to do it properly with! It is so much more appropriate for the kinds of crap I sh*t out into the nation's consciousness than the actual mouth I used to have. It was an expensive operation but so worth it, and thanks to The Sun, who pay me to help them push their divisive ideology, it didn't break the bank!"
One downside to her ringpiece-face is that the only rusty sherrif's badge that could be found to replace her mouth was her own a***hole meaning that her existing tradesman's entrance therefore had to be sealed to enable the transplant. "Actually there were a lot of biological matches from other donors," Hopkins explained, "but for some reason none of them wanted to have their back c*nts ripped off. I mean, it would be a privilege to have your dirtbox all over my face. Wouldn't it?"
She has since found a silver lining in the fact that she can no longer excrete in the normal way, however. "The only problem with screeching lies and falsehoods the way I do is that sometimes the imagination dries up. However now that my bum has been sealed up and my mouth has been replaced by my turd tunnel, the sh*t just keeps flowing!"
GMTV presenter Ben Shephard said of the interview, "We're going to need a new sofa in the studio. We just can't get the smell out of the one she sat on."
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