Zombies making love
Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse: Gear Guide
Tuesday, May 26, 2015 by: Barry Hummus, Uropathist and Scatologist

Zombies. If recent reports from central Africa can be believed it would seem that there could soon be a Zombie apocalypse. Ebola, a disease created by the NWO to sell vaccines has apparently mutated by breeding itself with the H5N1 virus and Rabies. This astounding feat of evolution is causing Ebola victims in Ramatonga (A small African state) to rise from the dead and feed on villagers who in turn get infected and rise from the dead. There is one redeeming factor to this situation however. Unlike complex computer simulations designed to train first world youth in zombie survival in reality we actually know where the outbreak started. This is fortunate as it allows us to be prepared to survive this monstrosity which the NWO inadvertently created.

In order to survive the potential apocalypse which we are facing it is essential that any individual who wishes to outlive the dead have a bug out bag. This is a kit bag filled with everything you could possibly need to survive.

Here are a few things you should consider for your bug out bag:

  1. A ShovelA good shovel will take you far. You can use it to dig holes for your poop, digging fire pits and most importantly to smash a zombie's head in.
  2. First Aid Kit - This will probably save your life at some point. Top it up with morphine, antibiotics and valium which you can easily purchase online at a reputable darknet market.
  3. A Saw - A good compact survival saw can help you cut wood and cut off zombie's heads when used as a garrote.
  4. Survival Tool - Open tinned food you have scavenged, unscrew doors and most importantly; open a cold beer after a day of slaying.
  5. Monocular Telescope - Spot the undead before they spot you.
  6. Paracord - With this stuff you can make post apocalyptic survival bracelets and lash shelters together. The only limit is your imagination.
  7. Water Bottle Clip - Why buy a fancy water bottle when you can scavenge for old Evien bottles?
  8. The Bag - Spare no expense and buy a Chinese knock off military rucksack with lots of loops on it. It should last you until you find a dead soldier with some real equipment.

If anyone receives word of this new and deadly virus crossing the Atlantic please report it to us immediately so that we can provide accurate information to our readers.