The Military is Sending Live Anthrax Around the Country
Monday, Jun 01, 2015 by: Barry Hummus, Uropathist and Scatologist

Don't look now but there is a new anthrax outbreak about to take place. Perhaps most surprisingly, it is the US Military that is at fault.

According to reports by CNN and others (Metal Hammer) at least four hippies and 22 others playing djembe drums have become ill after hearing Anthrax being played on a nearby stereo after the military inadvertently played the thrash metal bands music over common FM radio frequencies while testing alternatives to Slayer for effective hippy dispersal. One official stated: "Since Jeff Hanneman's untimely departure we have been actively seeking an alternative to Slayer's music for the purposes of crowd dispersal"

Military in Damage Control

Since the initial incidents the military has implemented a process of damage control. It would seem that exposure to Anthrax converts hippies from yoghurt weaving lay abouts into beer drinking pentagram wearing rockers. Overnight beer sales have increased by 9001% giving a much needed boost to the economy. "Alcohol tax goes right into military coffers, so we want to capitalise on that," said one official. This sudden boost in the booze economy has lead the military to believe that they can save America's ailing economy by putting Anthrax on tour. Tickets are free but on a first come first served basis. They hope that exposure to live Anthrax will bolster Americas economy enough to actually start offering some free education and perhaps even healthcare.

Growing number of incidents where anthrax has been (mis)handled

The greatest concern however is that offering free live Anthrax to the youth of today could have unwanted results. An increase in thrash metal listeners would also mean that there may be a resurgence of other music, some of it not as good as Anthrax. However the official line is that should Limp Bizkit ever become popular again, Fred Durst would be put into Al Jourgensen's basement where he would be tortured personally by Al himself.