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The recent news that the Tories are banning all substances that make working all week semi bearable has left the drug taking, sex loving British public up in arms. "Legal highs were what kept me going!" says Roger Cockburn a post man from Leeds, "Now that I won't be able to buy C-Liquid and Methiopropamine on the Internet I am going to have to go back to hard drugs like Marijuana and MDMA."
The Tories also plan on banning blow jobs, an addition to their recent ban on face sitting and spanking, two ancient British traditions. The truth behind these bans is twofold:
- The Tories want all the drugs for themselves.
- The Tories will make far more money by selling drugs directly to the public via darknet markets, thus cutting out the middleman.
George Osborne, a well known user of prostitutes and cocaine is believed to be the mastermind behind the plan. After recently being filmed completely off his tits in parliament he has coerced Teresa May into passing a poorly thought out law that will ban any substance that makes you have a good time. We believe that his motives are pure spite. A recently hacked text message from Osborne to the queen stated "If I can't have em, nobody can, at least I still have a large stash of Ethylphenidate"
The video in question is still available on the Internet. Using our advanced image filtering technology we have been able to show exactly what George Osborne was seeing during his recent trip at Parliament.